Meeting Your Heroes: Cherish Your Experiences

EDIT: This post has been modified slightly from the original posting, as my current state at the time made me share some views that appear stronger than they were.

Hey friends,

So it’s been two weeks since Asylum 16 ended, and I’ve been up and down. More recently, down. Why? Because it was the Supernatural convention in Rome, Jus In Bello 7 (JIB), which is always so close after Asylum that it’s especially painful to handle. I didn’t think it’d affected me as much as it did, though. Both Saturday and Sunday I found myself crying pathetically simply because I missed Jared and, well, Genevieve pretty much became a guest – photo ops, autographs, not to mention probably one of my BIGGEST dream photo ops besides Gen herself – Jared and Gen double photos. I was a mess. I was not okay.

It actually reminded me how much it meant to me to be able to meet Gen. Ever since I started Supernatural, I had my “dream team” – as in, the people I really, really wanted to meet. Jared, Misha, Felicia and Gen. In the past two years I’ve been lucky enough to meet Jared three times (four in August), Misha twice (three times in August), and Felicia twice. Gen? Never, besides split-second eye contact and a wave at Asylum 14. Of course, the reason I haven’t met her yet is mainly because, and understandably so, she extremely rarely does cons – in recent years she’s only done JIB this weekend, and A14, but in that case that was autographs. She’s got the boys to take care of, she doesn’t have the freedom to go to as many cons as Jared as a result and that is completely and utterly understandable. In honesty, I’m still very much kicking myself over last year. I had two chances – first, when they announced her autographs, had I gone to queue up straightaway I probably would have met her, second, when we saw her on her way to the green room. So many people were stopping her for photos and hugs and I probably could have gone and done the same. But I was too scared, I don’t like just running up to people like that and no one was prepared to go with me. So that was that.

As soon as they announced it at JIB I kind of just…well…burst into tears. After missing out on meeting her at A14 this was just a punch in the gut. I’ve slowly felt better. It still makes me sad seeing people’s pictures and stories, but I’m trying to be hopeful. But after waiting so long and blowing the chances I have, its understandable I’m losing faith. I’ve emailed creation to request her (and Felicia) for VanCon and tweeted Rogue, it’s all I can do. By my reasoning, she accompanied Jared to A14 last year, accompanied him to JIB this year…next year it’s A18’s turn, right? It’s only fair. 😛

Anyways, that wasn’t actually the reason I was making this post. JIB also really made me struggle in another way. I was really, really doubting my own experiences with Jared. Ever since Jared and Jensen arrived in Rome for JIB, people have been freaking out. Did J2 not like Asylum? I saw Jensen looked unhappy once so I don’t think he enjoyed himself here. I think they much prefer Rome, they look so much happier there. Why didn’t J2 tweet about Asylum, do they not like us? While I was doing my best to reassure these people, it was actually getting to me. And it got to a point it really got to me. Not only were these people freaking out but I was seeing how happy J2 looked at JIB. I was overthinking why they didn’t tweet, why they haven’t said anything. I was genuinely afraid they didn’t like coming to asylum. The speculators had won.

Not only that but I inevitably was seeing all these amazing Jared stories (and Gen stories -cry-) surface. With me half convincing myself they don’t like Asylum, or at least don’t like it half as much as JIB, I was pretty much concluding “he loves them more than me.” Stuff like that. And it sucked. I was sitting there seeing my photo ops and just thinking, yeah, but y’know? He’s much happier at JIB. He’s enjoying himself more. I was seeing people getting the pose similar to my “proud” one and thinking…well, he’s probably way prouder of them, they probably have more reason for him to be proud of them.

I didn’t say much about it because I didn’t want to look like I was whining, or fishing for attention. I was just trying to sort my damn head out.

And then I looked at the clock and realised at that time in two weeks, I would have just landed in Orlando to start my summer in Disney, then leading on to Vancouver when I’ll see Jared again. I thought of when I told him about it, how excited he was, how proud of me he was and how he congratulated me.

And I was back to a sobbing wreck.

But this time it was because I’d kind of had an “epiphany”. Essentially, something in my head saying calm the fuck down. Telling me not to start comparing Asylum to JIB, not to let speculation drag me down. Telling me that if Jared and Jensen really didn’t enjoy Asylum, they wouldn’t come – why would they fly 9 hours or so, get jetlagged, to come see us in the UK, during their very short time off when they could be home with their families? Jared and Jensen both flew in at the absolute last minute for Asylum, guaranteeing them to have jet lag. Jared sounded so tired on Sunday evening when I saw him but he was still happy to see everyone. In honesty – no one but Jared and Jensen know if they enjoy these cons, but I’d say from the fact they commit to coming such a long way to see us, and they were happy all weekend, I’d say it is extremely likely they enjoy Asylum.

Sidenote: I think a lot of the “they don’t like Asylum so much” comes from the fact that on the contrary to JIB, filming is forbidden everywhere. At JIB you can film almost everywhere, from what I’ve seen, so there is significantly more footage available. At Asylum, we aren’t allowed to film anywhere with the guests, so all the goofy and fun things that happen are conveyed by photos and word of mouth only, which doesn’t build up so much hype. I can guarantee, the train story as told by Jared, Richard, Gen, with Rob helping and a brief appearance from Jensen, wouldn’t have got quite as much hype had filming not been allowed. I’m glad it was filmed, it was hilarious. Jared’s telling of it at A16 will always be my favourite because I was there to hear it, but the version at JIB was so, so funny and I recommend you check it out.

This something in my head was also reminding me that my experiences are my own. It doesn’t matter if Jared tells someone else he’s proud of them or he loves them back or anything like that. Nothing takes away from my experience. He doesn’t love one fan more than another, he wouldn’t pick favourites or have a hierarchal system of fans. He doesn’t. He wouldn’t do that. He makes every single person feel valued and important even if just for a second.

So I wanted to write this to reassure anyone who feels unsure about their experiences or doubts them, please don’t. I know it’s easier said than done. After A14 I was actually really good at not comparing myself to others, but I was in a much better place mentally. This year I came to A16 with my depression and anxiety in full swing and I was struggling pretty badly, so I’m not surprised that I’ve struggled more with comparing myself/doubting myself. It sucks but I’m working through it.

I understand, it can be disheartening seeing such amazing stories, when perhaps you got just a hug, and didn’t quite have the courage to say much or anything in your autograph session. That’s okay. I actually get worried about making people feel bad about their ops when reading about mine. It sounds arrogant, I know, but I mean it only in the sense that I’ve been in the same position. When I first met Jared, I said nothing to him at all. Not even hello in the photo op. After that convention, seeing other stories, amazing stories about amazing interaction with Jared was kind of intimidating and disheartening to me. While I’m not saying my stories from A14/16 are “amazing” (well, they are to me), I know some might see them and feel discouraged about their own, just like I have before.

Honestly, meeting your heroes is a really big thing and the fact you’ve met them at all is something really special in itself. It’s okay if you got too nervous to speak, you still had a moment with your hero that not everyone can say they got – not everyone can get to a convention and even if they can, not everyone can afford to meet their hero simply due to the cost of photo ops or autographs. That in itself means you’re a damn lucky person.

It takes a lot of courage to talk to your idol and in a lot of convention situations, it is kind of a “get out what you put in” situation. I wouldn’t have got the experiences with Jared I’ve had without building the courage to talk to him. And I’m insanely proud of myself for doing it as it was really scary. So even if you only got the courage to say hello, ask for a hug, then you should be so proud of yourself. I didn’t even manage that that first time round.

I know how easy it is to look at someone else’s photo op and say “they hugged her tighter, they must like her more”, or “he’s smiling more in the picture with her.” But you’ll only drag yourself down. You’ll only lessen your own experience as a result. Each and every experience is amazing in their own right, particularly with the Supernatural cast who are incredible at making you feel loved and valued to them, Jared especially in my experience.

I’ve fallen prey to the typical socially anxious response of overanalysing every tiny detail of my experiences and identified reasons why I will have upset or offended the guest. If you feel that way, I can assure you that most likely you were completely fine. Even if you were a little nervous, the guests are used to that, you’re certainly not the first person to be nervous meeting them, so they won’t interpret that negatively at all. If anything, they’ll be flattered! I actually got reassurance from Felicia Day when I first met her. I had my photo op with her and once it was done, she said “okay bye”, in a way that I at the time interpreted as a little cold. It was about 6 or so hours until her autograph session so I was freaking out a little, I managed to convince myself in those 6 hours of pretty much doing nothing that she didn’t like me and I’d done something to offend her – I’d literally walked up to her, said hey, took the photo and thanked her. I ended up tweeting her “Sorry for being so awkward in the photo op”, and was actually really close to leaving the con. It was my first convention where I was completely on my own, my mum had taken me to the hotel and gone back into London. I didn’t know anyone and I’d never been to a convention by that organiser before. If I’d gone all the way here for me to have pissed off someone I really look up to, then I just didn’t want to be there. I also kind of didn’t want to go to the autograph session in case it confirmed that she didn’t like me.

I stayed, I joined the queue, I saw how lovely Felicia was being to everyone so I concluded that if she was off with me after being so lovely, then yup, I’ve definitely done something wrong. But then I heard her ask someone if they’d tweeted her about being awkward in the photo op. They said no. I realised with slight humiliation that it was my tweet. She said the person had a brown bob in their photo…well…my profile pic on twitter at the time had been my Jared photo op from Asylum 12. The size of the profile pic on a phone, you could easily mistake Jared’s hair for a brown bob. I was slightly more nervous.

I got to my turn and instantly Felicia bombards me with a ton of questions, where do I live, asking about oxford, things like that. Instantly lovely and inquisitive and oh my god so cute. She had a red wig on her head. Not actually wearing it properly. Just on her head. As you do. Then I decided to bring up the tweet. Her face kinda lit up and she was like IT WAS YOU! And went on to gush about how she always feels like she’s awkward in photos too but she reassured me I was totally fine and asked to see my photo. She was so sweet and actually kept talking to me to the point her assistant was apologising to the people behind…oops. That’s the kind of person she is though, she likes to have a conversation. If you read her book (seriously, do it, its amazing and you’ll cry), she says how much she wants everyone to walk away having had a good time.

Now, obviously a reassurance that you were okay by the person you met isn’t a guarantee, but it does show you how you may have felt awkward or like you may have offended them, but chances are you were completely fine, or that they understood. If a guest was maybe a bit off, like for example, at A12 Misha started signing my book without looking up and saying hi (then later looking up and giving me a tiny bit of a sheepish “sorry I didn’t say hello and you’re being a bit quitet” face), and at A16, Jensen didn’t say hello and started signing straight away, not actually looking up until I said something. If this happens, or perhaps a guest isn’t very chatty, don’t take it personally. Particularly cons that are abroad for them, like American actors coming to the UK, you have to take into account that they might be jetlagged and tired, maybe even missing their families if they’ve been away a long time. They’re human too and everyone has their off days, and it is unfortunate that sometimes guests are a little off at conventions sometimes, but its understandable and nothing personal towards you. They don’t hate you, I promise. Luckily, both the Jensen and Misha experiences above redeemed themselves when I started talking to them, although I ended up telling Misha that the letter I wrote him would be good bedtime reading, so that was…interesting.

The bottom line is, you should cherish your memories from conventions and not let anyone else’s experiences, or anything like that take away from it. They’re yours, and no matter how many times Jared has said AKF to people or whether you think Jensen isn’t hugging you as tight as someone else, they’re amazing. You might get your chance again, and that means you have opportunity for an even better experience. Look at me – I went from saying absolutely nothing to Jared besides maybe “I’m fine thanks” and telling him he could sign anywhere in my book, to having the courage to tell him I’d kept fighting and giving him a book of AKF stories, to him remembering me a year later and saying he’s proud of me and he loves me. BUT, don’t put too high expectations on yourself or your experiences. My imagination does run wild and has thought up many unrealistic but amazing interactions with Jared, which in a way does place some hopes on what will happen when I next meet him but most of the time I forget about them when it comes to the time to meet him. Keep expectations comfortably low, so you’re more likely to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed.

Not everyone has a chance to meet their heroes and just by having the courage to do it is awesome in itself. Give yourself more credit for that. I for one am striving to never ever feel badly about my experiences again. One piece of advice I can give is if you feel like reading other’s experiences with your idol will affect you and make you start comparing yourself – don’t read them. They might be posted all over twitter and facebook but you don’t have to read them, especially if they’re going to upset you.

I hope this post made at least some sense. Most of this was written last night when I was still very emotional. I hope it can help anyone who does feel that way about their experiences, that they’re “not as good” as others. One final thing I’d like to say, a request, actually, is that people don’t start making others feel bad, this comes from both sides. Those who feel “inferior” shouldn’t make a person who in their eyes has had a “better” experience, feel bad for having had that experience. There may be some, and this is quite rare in my experience, who feel like their experience was better than others, that their hero does love them most or something like that. Purposely bragging, belitting other’s experiences isn’t fair. We should all just celebrate our own and each other’s experiences and enjoy conventions and the memories they bring. However – bragging is kind of subjective. I post a LOT about my experiences, and I’m not doing it to brag, I just like talking about it because they were so special to me. To some, it may come across as bragging despite my intentions. If anyone does see me that way, then I’m sorry, and please don’t let it bring yourself down. I’d hate for that to happen.

I’m going to stop now before I ramble into oblivion. Just, yes, love your experiences and be proud of yourself for meeting your idols, it’s a big thing.

Until next time,

Mini Moose ❤

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Asylum 16 – Sunday Roundup

Hey friends!

So here we are, the last write-up of Asylum 16. I’m so sad, I really wish I could be back there reliving it all. What with it being JIB this weekend, I can’t see my mood much improving. My heart already shattered upon sight of people meeting Jared in Rome. I’m happy for them of course, but when that was you almost two weeks ago, it just makes you miss him even more!

To view my vlog for Sunday, go here:

Sadly this blog post probably won’t be quite as detailed as Saturday in terms of times between ops. While I can remember a fair bit about the ops, it has almost been two weeks since the con so the events that occurred between them are a bit rusty. Prepare for a lot of uncertainty.

So I woke up bright and early again despite having gone to bed at about 3am, just writing up my J2 story for my blog. Not long after I woke up, there was a tweet saying that Sunday lounges were finally onsale. And, well, I went downstairs looking a complete mess. No make up, beanie on to cover my unwashed, unkempt hair, pretty much in my pyjama top and jeans.

And I’m pretty sure the last Jared lounge sold as I walked through the door.

Cue awkward sidling away from the desk when I was told J2 sold out. I think I made some lame excuse about texting someone. It was like 7am, I’d had 4 or less hours sleep, I’d just gone downstairs in a Hilton hotel looking like I’d fallen asleep in a hedge. Cut me some slack. I later found out that people had been queueing since 5am or something ridiculous for those lounges. Considering I went to sleep at 3am, may as well have done an all-nighter. Yet another reason why I wasn’t pleased the lounges for the Js weren’t raffled, but it didn’t really bother me. By that point I’d kinda made peace with the fact I might not get one, and besides, as you’re about to read, I had so many amazing experiences with Jared in photos and autos that it really didn’t matter too much. There’s always next year, or VanCon if I have a spare $1000 or so. Which I don’t.

Anyways, after taking it easy a bit – I didn’t have anything until around 10, Ellie came upstairs before we went down to just wander a bit. Finally, I was called for Jared and Adrianne. The one op I was completely and utterly unprepared for. I was terrified about the J2 op, my Jared solo ops, but Jared and Adrianne was on another level. I knew I could do my cape pose or a sandwich hug for J2, I knew Jared would hug me to death in his solos. But I had NO IDEA what to do for Jared and Adrianne. Not to mention I love and adore Sam and Jess so much, they’re probably my OTP, and to be in a photo with them was just totally crazy. I’d never ever expected this to happen. So it was kind of a big deal.

I got in the queue only to find that actually, Jared was due to do another photo op first – a quad photo with Jensen, Mark and Jim (or J3M, if you will). They’d already started the lines for Jared&Adrianne and Jensen&Mark anyway. It was kinda nice to prepare myself for an incoming Padahug by watching him over in the quad. As I said several times before the op and while queueing “its too early to be dealing with having to see Jared right now”. It was like 11am, but considering I didn’t meet Jared the day before until about 3pm, it was pretty early.

Then my group was called for Rich and Matt doubles. Oh. Okay. So me and a friend headed over to a steward to told us to go over, tell them we had a clash, and to come straight back. And we did. First the steward outside photo studio 3 said Jared and Adrianne was running behind. We said we know, but we were told to come here and get our photo asap. She lets us in, we go to another steward, who tells us to go talk to the staff at the front of the queue. Easier said than done. We were standing at a right angle to the front of the queue. The staff member was there…but kept walking off. She was pretty rushed off her feet, to be fair. By the time she did come over to us, there was a queue starting to form behind us. I’m hoping there weren’t any access behind us as I would have of course happily let them pass if I’d known. We were told there wasn’t a queue that way. We said we know, but by that point she’d gone again. Luckily the person taking tickets had heard us, and he and the people at the front of the queue all told us to go and get our photos done. So suddenly I was in front of Matt and Rich. Giving a chirpy “Hello!” I stood between them and got my photo. It came out really nice but I wish I’d been prepared enough to think of at least some fun pose or even just had the guts to ask for a hug. Oh well, it’s a nice picture and It was nice to see them – that was actually the only time I met Rich all weekend!

img040So we run back to Jared&Adrianne once our photos printed (and because we were anxious about getting back, of course it felt like an age before they printed!), and they hadn’t quite finished up with the quad photo yet so it was all good. A little bit more time to prepare. It was a very social queue, which was nice. Was talking to a fair few people, including the girl I met in the J2 auto queues the day before. I was actually behind her once again for the Jared&Adrianne photos and gave her a bit of moral support as she was a bit nervous just before it was her turn. I just found her on Facebook! Yay!

So anyways. Adrianne shows up looking stunning in massive heels. Now, Adrianne is about 5’9” if I remember correctly, so she’s already a lot taller than 5’2” me. I’m not kidding when I say when Jared came over, she was almost as tall as him. I was preparing myself to look like a hobbit once again. I spent the entireity of the queue just melting a little bit inside as Jared and Adrianne were so damn cute. From the moment Jared came over to the photo area after finishing the quad, he and Adrianne stood there just hugging for at least twenty seconds. It was seriously adorable and all I could picture was Sam and Jess and oh my god how the hell was I going to cope being in a photo with them. I was getting mildly concerned that my photo op would end up being Jared&Adrianne looking concerned at the floor while I’m just sobbing.

There were some really, really cute photos happening, like getting Jared and Adrianne to hug while just standing aside and admiring the beauty. There were also some really mean ones, like the person and Jared holding fire extinguishers at Adrianne. I almost shrieked. They were all really nice photos, a lot of hugging Jared while Adrianne looked pissed off, and vice versa. I just loved Jared’s expression whenever he was the one being hugged, he looked so damn proud of himself. I decided I wanted a sandwich hug, of course hugging the moose because I think you know by now I’m a Padahug junkie. I wanted to kinda make sure that Adrianne was still involved as in some photos, people were just hugging Jared and letting Adrianne do what she wanted. So I walked up to them, having to look right up to see their faces because I’m so small, and just squeaked “group hug?”

Even if I’d wanted to be hugging Adrianne, I don’t think I had a choice in the matter.

Instantly Jared just looks at me a moment before saying “Yes!” and grabbing me into one of his squishy hugs. I’ve become accustomed to my “I’m being squished by Jared Padalecki” facial expression now and have come to like it, just because you can see how happy I am. I don’t really remember much else other than being squished by Jared, though I did find it amusing how he claimed me as his own for a hug. Okay bud, I get it, we’re practically besties now…

The photo turned out really cute and I was actually kinda excited to have a beanie in the photo. That sounds weird. But considering beanies are like Jared’s trademark, it was cool to finally have beanie Jared in a photo. Just like when I meet Jared in Vancouver, I’m excited to get a photo with him where for once he’ll most likely be shaven and without the hiatus scruff I have in all my photo ops. I have nothing against scruffy hiatus Jared, just like I have nothing against Jared’s lustrous mane being free, but it’s nice to have a change, y’know? Plus, for once I might get a photo with Jared where he looks more like Sam which is always a plus.

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Anyways, enough rambling about the many looks of Jared Padalecki. As I said, the photo turned out great and I love Jared’s smile and Adrianne looks cute and I’m all squished in the middle looking like what is my life my OTP (well, their actor counterparts) are hugging me help.

After this, if I remember correctly there was a gap, so we went to Hillywood’s panel for a bit. They are super cute, their voices are all squeaky and adorable and I love them. They played the Supernatural Parody, and me, Sophie and Sam were pretty much the only ones singing and dancing along. What the hell, guys??!!?! Why was no one else dancing? At least people got excited when the cast came onscreen. Jared always gets me with his aggressive stripping. I always feel a little emotional when Jared comes onscreen in the parody, actually, because when it first came out, it was only about a week since everything happened in regards to Jared leaving JIB. I was so worried about him and wanted him to be okay and so seeing him in that video being his goofy self just having fun really meant a lot. Anyways, I’ve gone on a complete tangent here.

We had to leave the panel because we got called for autographs. While waiting outside for autos, a staff member came around the queue asking if anyone had tickets for Adrianne’s autographs. Yes! I do! So I ended up following the guy around the entire queue as he asked everyone, before finally being taken into the auto room where she had almost no queue at all. She was really sweet and was impressed with my drawing of her, which was really nice.

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After that I regrouped with Sophie and Sam and we went in the room with regular guests to get some of our free autos. We actually ended up only getting Kathryn’s, as Sophie is a big fan of hers and cosplays Claire (she rocks as Claire, by the way). Kathryn typically was the only guest that I had nothing for her to sign, as she signed my drawing of her at Asylum 15. I quickly opted for my scrapbook, the same one Jared signed. She was really sweet and asked how I was, she asked if I was dressed as Ruthie but was equally impressed when I said Charlie. I love her enthusiasm for cons and how excited she is, it really is infectious.

Once we got her autograph, we just couldn’t really face the queues for the other guests that were all quite long. With May Asylums I usually find myself so caught up with Jared and Jensen that I end up not seeing the regular guests so much, which is sad. But generally at this con I’d felt very overwhelmed, and everything seemed so much harder. Waiting in more queues just didn’t seem appealing to me.

They called for Jared and Jensen’s solo photos and so finally it was my turn to get my Jared solo photos. As I said before, I had my Jared solos first thing at both A12 and A14, it was the first photo op I got at both cons. So it was strange having to wait for my Jared ops until Sunday. It actually worked out for the better really, I found, as I’d seen him three times at the con by that point and so he remembered me and of course I’d told him the stuff I’d wanted to tell him already. It kinda made it more special and was definitely worth the wait. I kind of wonder how different it would have turned out had I been able to get one of my solo ops on Saturday and the other Sunday.

Anyways, I headed over to the photo studio, just to see how quickly they were calling groups and things as they hadn’t called all the groups yet. But suddenly I found myself in a queue to get into the photo room, to join the Jared queue once inside. Typically people were being let in to join the Jensen queue by the time I got there, but not Jared. Dammit! We saw J2 go into the room, the steward was nice enough to let us peek around the door. The steward was really nice and was really apologetic about not being able to let us in the room but of course that was understandable. I was kind of anxious as they apparently didn’t get through many solo ops on Saturday at all, meaning they had over half the photos to get through.

Before long a staff member comes along and tells us they have to stop the queue as the boys have to go to lunch, which again was understandable. They were working so hard and I didn’t want them to go to lunch late or anything like that. They gave us all raffle tickets with the intention of us being put back in the queue in order once we came back. I was number 2 but ended up staying with the girl who was number 1 while we waited to go back. She didn’t like the idea of being first in the queue, so I offered to swap. It was kinda terrifying, the thought of being first in the queue, but at the same time it was exciting.

I hung out for a bit with this girl and her friends, before finally heading back to the photo room about twenty minutes before it was meant to start again. They were calling Hillywood, which I’d seen on twitter but I was so worried about missing Jared that I had assumed I’d have to miss that photo. Didn’t actually realise that Hillywood took place in the same studio as Jared’s, so they couldn’t actually clash. So I went into the photo room with the intention of getting my photo done and then asking to stay in the room to wait for Jared’s photo to start.

But Hillywood weren’t there.

I assumed they were coming soon, they’d probably been on lunch too. I talked to people in the queues again, mostly people I already knew, and waited patiently for Hillywood to show up. They didn’t come for a little while, but when they did, the queue for Jared’s photo started to be lead in. So much for raffle ticket order, huh? I didn’t really care, in honesty – either way I was getting my Jared photos, it didn’t matter whether I was front of the queue or not. I’d already seen three girls just push to the front of the Jared queue and so didn’t want to annoy anyone further.

Hillywood were adorable and hugged me for the photo, and I revelled in the fact that I’m actually taller than them which is a very rare thing. The photo turned out really cute, and I think their mum was filming while I had my photo done, so I may end up in one of their videos! I also almost walked straight in front of her camera at one point too. Well done me!

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So as soon as that photo was done and collected, it was time to join the Jared queue. Argh! I got talking to two girls, it was their first con and we just talked about Jared and I said about my past con experiences, as per usual. I actually found them on twitter which is awesome, especially as we can establish by now I am the complete worst at talking to people in queues without getting their names. Hell, I’m awful at meeting people I’ve talked to in groups! The amount of times people come up to me and talk to me, and I hope to god they say something about themselves that makes me realise who they are, is ridiculous. So if anyone reading this came and talked to me and I looked a little bewildered, please don’t be offended. I’m just terrible at social interaction and simple things like putting names to faces. Doesn’t mean I was any less happy to talk to you! 🙂

Anyways. Jared photo. Argh. It was getting closer and closer and I was getting more and more nervous. I had two photos…they were definitely going to let me take two photos, right? They were going to let me at least do a small post for one of them, right? I mean, they can’t expect me to just have two photos the same, right? I was so terrified when it came to my turn but I was totally relieved to see the staff member taking tickets gesture “two” at the photographer. All good. I was good to go. Except Jared Padalecki is right there and dammit I should be used to seeing him by now but I’m not and what the hell do I do.

Jared kinda sorted that for me and gave me a big hug, which of course was lovely but I’d kinda planned for that to be my second photo. So I squeaked “can you look at me like you’re proud of me?” I wasn’t sure how else to describe it, really. I’d only decided on this pose about five miliseconds before walking into the photo. My original pose I’d hoped to do at Asylum involved Jared kneeling on the floor, and as they were obviously trying to keep things running quite fast I thought it probably wasn’t a good idea to ask for this. Instead I went for the pose I’d planned for VanCon. But as I’d planned it for VanCon, I hadn’t really thought about how to go about asking for it. So “can you look at me like you’re proud of me?” was my best option, I guess.

At first I didn’t think Jared had heard as he had pulled me in for the hug, but then next thing I know Jared’s face is right there, he’s looking at me, he’s smiling, I was trying my absolute damndest to keep eye contact even though its something I really struggle with. I’m not gonna lie, I probably spent at least 2 of the 5 or so seconds I had staring at his nose and not his eyes. But like I said, eye contact is something I find really difficult, and it was Jared Padalecki, and I was totally unprepared. I think maintaining eye contact for even a second in that situation was an achievement. But it was equal parts amazing and terrifying. His smile looked so genuine, loving, proud, it didn’t look like he was just putting it on for the camera or anything like that. I didn’t even notice the hand on my face, in honesty. I’m clearly very unobservant. But hey, look at me. Jared touched my face! I can officially retire.

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Between the first and second photos being taken, Jared looked at me and said “I AM proud of you,” before pulling me in for a big hug for the second photo. His hugs get better when he remembers you, I swear. After the photo was done I kinda blurted out “I love you!”, to which he smiled and said he loved me back. Walked out of that op on cloud nine, and it wasn’t until I got upstairs and started vlogging that the tears came. I was just so happy and grateful for everything with Jared at the con. The fact he remembered me from last year and then throughout the con, said he was proud of me in my autograph and in person, and greeted me always with big hugs in the photos. It kind of hit me then also that I’d had my last Padahug of the con, which is always sad.

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I actually got really anxious about these ops the next day, on Monday. My roommate went downstairs for breakfast – I still couldn’t face it – and I just kind of broke down crying. As usual my anxiety noticed that I’d had a really good thing happen to me and decided to try it’s luck at poking holes in it. What if Jared only said he was proud of me/he loved me in the op because I made him feel like he had to? Does he look sad in my photo? Did I make him uncomfortable by asking him to look at me like that? Am I a horrible person? Does Jared not like me??

To have that the day after the con ended, the day I’m leaving, was actually horrible. I have come to terms with it all now. Jared doesn’t look sad or uncomfortable, he actually looks damn proud and loving. He’s hugging me the closest he’s ever hugged me (I’ve joked that soon I won’t actually be visible in my photos with him anymore), and he said the day before he was proud of me. I’m 99% sure he recognised me from Saturday despite the costume/wig change so he probably remembered what I told him. And…well, he loves all of us. So even if he had no clue who I was besides a fan, he’d love me anyway. Welcome to anxiety. No fun allowed.

I went to see how many free autos I could get a little while after that, and I managed to get Matt Cohen and Nicki Aycox. They were both really nice and loved the drawings. Matt was so impressed and said how talented the fans could be, and thanked me for taking the time to draw his head. Nicki’s drawing wasn’t completely finished but she didn’t care, she loved it anyways! She had pretty much no queue so I stood back from the table while I found her page in my sketchbook in case anyone wanted to go before, me but they called me forward so I had to awkwardly flick through the book to find the page while she watched. She asked how I got my hair the way it was, and so I had to break the news that it was actually a wig. She loved it regardless! It was super sweet, she’s really nice. I remember having a nice chat with her at A13 as well.

I was in the queue to meet Gil next. I was actually really proud of my drawing of him, especially his eyes, so I was excited to see his reaction. I never met him at Asylum 13 sadly, as by the time I was called to get my autographs, he had gone. I think if I’d asked he might have come back, but I was too shy, as usual. I wasn’t far from the front when they called Adrianne’s photo. I knew it was mostly a mop-up session so I was pretty sure it was going to be a very very quick session, so I didn’t want to risk missing it. Of course, I got to the photo room to find no Adrianne there yet, in fact they weren’t letting people for Adrianne in the room yet. So I could have got my Gil autograph! Better to be safe than sorry, though.

Here are all the drawings done especially for the con that are yet to be signed (Emily&Richard are unfinished). I didn’t have auto tickets for Mark and Ruth but I did them anyway – I’ll be able to get Mark and Richard’s signed at VanCon as they’re included in my ticket package! Yay!

Adrianne’s photo went quite quick and all I really remember is having to look right up to say hello (again, really tall and in heels) and hugging her. I have a tendency to be too shy to ask for hugs so instead I just hold my arms out like a toddler and hope they get the message. In this instance, I actually do look like a toddler, but Adrianne looks completely lovely so it’s all good.

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Then we come to Jared’s panel. The panel I’d most looked forward to of the whole weekend and the panel I actually intended to get a seat in as Jensen and J2 I was stood at the back. After being turned away from many seats because people were saving seats for others (which isn’t actually allowed), I finally got a seat. Only to then move again because Ellie was in the room and had a spare seat.

I could listen to that moose talk all day long. He said he had been unsure about committing to overseas conventions but he was glad he did, which actually really meant a lot to hear because I’d been worried about that. Seems like he has a good system going, he came here for Asylum, home for a week and then he’s just arrived in Rome for JIB. Perhaps a little tiring in the short term as more jet-lag, but it means he isn’t away from home too long and can get some rest at home between conventions. I knew if he decided to come to Asylum this year, he’d have figured out the best way to balance both Asylum and JIB. I did miss a part of what he said about that as I was being distracted, which actually kind of upset me. For future reference, if I’m in a Jared panel, don’t try and get my attention. Because I can guarantee, unless I am on fire, I will not care, my focus will be solely on Jared. It’s not often I get to be in a room listening to Jared talk live, and so I’m gonna savour that. In a Jared panel, I kinda want to hear what Jared is saying.

So anyways, the best part of the panel for sure was Jared retelling the infamous train story. I’ve seen many videos about this story and it never ever gets any less funny, so to have Jared tell it again, very animated and lively and with great expressions, and with some added details, was seriously amazing. All in all it was a great panel and he was so lovely (as usual). He ended by saying “It’s time I stopped another train”, and funnily enough the next day there were quite a few train delays at Birmingham International, as well as delays on the tubes that day and the next day. Seems like he’d kept to his word.

I didn’t get many pictures, however when someone went onstage to lift Jared bridal style, I couldn’t not at least try.

The queue started forming for J2 autos. And it was long. It went from the Pavilion room where they were signing, by the pool, all the way into reception and snaking around the reception area. I ended up standing by the queue for ages, not joining it, as I wasn’t sure if I was meant to be joining it or whether I’d been called. Doing that meant I saw Jason Manns go by, who I said hello to. He’s started to remember me from his concerts, but I have no idea if he remembered me considering I was in cosplay. Still, it was nice to see him as I hadn’t seen him that weekend!

I finally joined the queue and we were eventually moved into a “holding” room, basically to keep the queue out of the Hilton lobby which was fair enough. It was really hot in there though, so it wasn’t the most comfortable. Eventually I was let into the main room where they were signing, trying to figure out what to say to Jared while juggling all my things to get my photo op out for him to sign, as well as the autograph ticket. I’d bought a Boba Fett tsum tsum from the Disney store the week before the con, as instantly I thought of him. For those who don’t know, Boba Fett is a character from Star Wars, who happens to be Jared’s favourite. A tsum tsum is a little bean shaped soft toy thing, its kind of hard to explain. The aim is to collect them and you can stack them and they’re generally cute. So I bought it, undecided whether I should keep it as a reminder of Jared, what with it being his favourite character, or to give to him. It was only small but it can be used to wipe phone screens with the fabric underneath it so I thought it’d be a cute little gift. I had plenty of time to get it out but I just kind of bottled it. I’m sure he would have appreciated it, it might have ended up with Tom and Shep, but I just decided against it. Maybe another time, for now I’ll keep it to remind me of him.

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So I’m about three from the front of the queue when Clif walks over and says he’s cutting the queue. At me. Not permanently, he wasn’t stopping the last like 150 or so people miss out, he was just letting Jensen and Jared go on break. So of course I’m not going to complain – the room was really hot, they were probably exhausted after a long weekend of hard work and they still had a fair few people to get through. So off they went outside on a break.

Jensen returned not too long after, so the attendant at Jared’s table took my ticket and placed my photo op ready for him to sign. But Jared didn’t come back. A few minutes later, a bodyguard comes back. Jared’s attendant asked where he was, and the bodyguard said he was coming. Few minutes later, still no sign of Jared. Now, I’m gonna be honest, I was getting a bit worried, me being me. Jared’s attendant went out to see where he’d got to, and not long after she left, Clif came back, once again no Jared in tow. Eventually the moose makes his appearance again – and from what I can tell, the reason he took so long was because one of the bodyguards wanted a photo with him!

He said some stuff to Jensen, I think he was talking about saying goodbye to some of the guests, which I thought was sweet as he was making sure they said goodbye to everyone. He then turned to me and gave me a cute smile – a smile that looked a tiny bit mischievous like “I wandered off and got lost” – and said “thanks, darlin’”. This instantly caught me off guard because, well, Jared Padalecki just called me darlin’. And it was beautiful. He started signing my photo op, and the pen wasn’t working very well (you can see the ghost of a signature underneath the signature on the photo!). Making a disgruntled moose noise, as I call it, he scribbled on the tablecloth (there were a LOT of scribbles on the table cloth) before getting a new pen. Wanting to say at least something, I thanked him for all the hugs over the weekend and that they were the best. He smiled and said I give great hugs too, then signed my picture and wrote “AKF!” Once he was done, I said, “See you in Vancouver!”, to which he smiled at me and said “you rock, darlin’.” So y’know. Two darlin’s in about a minute. I must say I’m honoured.

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I had planned on saying how grateful I was that he’d come, that he’d worked so damn hard, and that I was so proud of him and he’d never let me down. I really wanted to say it, but I was feeling so emotional with it being the end of the con that I was pretty certain I’d just start crying and I didn’t want to put that on him. He was tired, I could tell just from his voice, so I settled on thanking him for those amazing hugs instead, and he appreciated it.

So that was it. The end of the con. I went back to everyone, totally fine, until Gracie hugged me and said how proud she was of me. And…I lost it.

The rest of the evening was spent eating pizza and playing Cards Against Humanity in the bar until 4am. I wasn’t feeling it so much to being with, just so overwhelmed from the weekend and already missing Jared a ton. But it was a good night for sure. The next morning, like I said I had a bit of a break down, just anxiety getting the better of me and finding every tiny thing I did that could have made Jared dislike me. I worked through it though. I actually stayed at the hotel long enough to say goodbye to everyone for once, usually I escape quickly to avoid it as I hate goodbyes. I cried. A lot. Then cried all the way to the station. Cried a little bit when I got on the train. I was on the train with two people from the con, so we just talked about our experiences and stuff which was nice. They both got off about 2 hours before me though, so for most of the journey I was on my own. Once back, I had just under an hour to leave my suitcase at my flat, sort out an overnight bag and head back to the train station to get to London for Jason Manns. Ever since that morning I hadn’t really been feeling up to it. I felt ill – every night from the Tuesday before I’d only had about 3-4 hours sleep, and my eating habits were absolutely awful over the weekend. I felt ill and miserable and the thought of five hours’ worth of travelling just seemed unbearable. But I managed it, and Jason’s gig was really nice. I always say the convention isn’t over until I’ve seen Jason in London. It was good, saw a lot of people from the convention and things like that. Said hey to Jason and got a hug from him, and also said hello to Ruthie and Emily who showed up for the gig, as well as getting a smile from Gil McKinney! Jason’s gigs are always great, it’s a nice bonus when guests from Asylum show up. Misha was there last year very briefly, and the year before that – typically the one I didn’t go to – Jared and Gen went. Of course there’s always the small hope that this will happen again, but its not something I expect – I’m there for Jason, not for the possibility of Jared!!

Amazing photography strikes again:

The day after, I had a day in London as my train back wasn’t until the evening. I was just too tired to actually do anything, so I ended up walking somewhere, then sitting on a bench for about an hour, just too tired and drained to go anywhere for a bit. I did get a soft toy of Judy from Zootopia/tropolis though, to keep me company through the post con blues.

So yes! This is my Asylum 16 experience all wrapped up. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about my experiences, this definitely was a very special convention for me and I’m so grateful. Before the con I’d been so worried I wouldn’t enjoy it for whatever reason, I was scared it wouldn’t live up to how amazing A14 was. But thanks to Jared, it was miles better. I just can’t believe it happened, I never ever deemed myself worthy of an experience like this.

Now…only 99 98 days until I see Jared again!

Until next time,

Mini Moose ❤20160509_014956

 

Asylum 16 – Saturday Roundup

Hey friends!

So, here’s my runthrough of Saturday. Brace yourselves, it’s gonna be a long one.

To see Part ONE of my Saturday vlog, go here:

Part TWO:

I woke up really nervous, usually I’d take it easy so I could calm down a bit, but I had to get downstairs pronto to try and get Jared’s coffee lounge. As usual I declined breakfast, I just couldn’t face it. I got downstairs and wandered around with no clue where the lounges were being sold. Assuming I’d missed out – it was about 8.05 by this point, I then met up with Ellie who just told me that Road tweeted – they weren’t selling the lounges until later. I still had a chance! Yay!

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All my ops, except the second Jared photo op and auto!

Avoiding the massive queues to get into the halls, we ended up waiting exactly where I waited last year when I was really anxious. We ended up seeing Hillywood arrive, they walked past us and said hey which was cute. I wanted to hear Jared come onstage for his panel in Hall 2 – I was Hall 1 so I couldn’t go in but I just wanted to hear him say hey. I did the same last year and it was nice starting my con just hearing his voice, really. As soon as we heard screaming, we were getting more excited, but we knew he wasn’t onstage yet. It’s funny how you can tell when the Js come onstage. There’s screaming, and then there’s screaming. Everytime the crowds cheered Ellie would be like “is that them??”, but you know when they’re onstage. Suddenly the screaming completely rocketed…and we ran. We stood back from the door to Hall 2, we didn’t want to look like we were sneaking in. The steward did yell “HALL 1 IS THAT WAY” at us, but like I said, we just wanted to hear Jared. I heard him say hey and managed to get a quick peek of him on the screens and…well…had a minor freakout (or as Ellie says in my vlog…it was NOT minor).

Instead of heading straight to Jensen’s panel, we went over to the vendors room. Ellie wanted to say hey to Hillywood, and I wanted to check on the lounge situation. Maybe they’d sneakily put them onsale while everyone was Jensen or Jared’s panel? No such luck. We talked to Hillywood for a bit as it  was so quiet. They recognised Ellie from MCM and loved my Charlie cosplay! I told them I met them three years ago in Forks, Washington, for a twilight event, which they were pretty shocked about, but typically there was no internet on my phone so I couldn’t load up the picture. I would have come back later but pretty much for the rest of the weekend they were completely rammed, and I had to do too many other things to queue up to see them again. We went to the Jensen panel and stood at the back, but we didn’t really listen. We were too happy that he and Jared were here that we both just enjoyed the sound of his voice. To see summaries for both Jensen and Jared’s solo panels on Saturday morning (not written by me!), go here.

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Some top notch photography there – I had my camcorder with me that has an amazing zoom and takes great pictures – but I didn’t want to risk being told off, even thought I wouldn’t have been filming! So phone camera was my only option.

Next up was my Jensen photo op. I was getting really worried as my phone had no signal whatsoever in most parts of the hotel, I only really had signal in the main lobby and outside. But Ellie managed to get enough signal on her phone to tell me that my group had been called for Jensen’s photo. I’d been slightly hopeful that I’d be called for Jared’s photo as well somehow, but his photos were being called from Z backwards. I was group B, so there was no chance.

I spent a lot of Jensen’s queue looking longingly over at Jared’s queue and most likely annoying everyone around me by repeatedly saying I wanted to be in Jared’s queue (sorry Jensen). No disrespect for Jensen, I was just so used to having my Padahug as the first photo op of the con that it just felt weird to me. I talked to people in the queue and once again didn’t get their names, which is always what happens, generally talking about last year’s con and things like that. It seems to be a tendency of mine to just start rambling about past con experiences when I talk to people in queues, I don’t know if that’s irritating or not! Anyways, I got about five from the front of the queue and it kinda sunk in I was about to meet Jensen Ackles again. I made a rather inhuman noise that I really hope Jensen didn’t hear because it was probably kinda disturbing. It said no props and no poses all over the walls, but they were still allowing people to do props and poses regardless. I had a pose planned but it was literally just a hug, so I thought I’d take my chances. It really wouldn’t have taken longer than a normal hug. I walked up to him and straightaway asked if he could hug me like Dean hugs Charlie, while really hoping he knew what I meant by that. Jensen looked so happy, he took my arms and said really excitedly “this is awesome!” or “you look awesome!”, something along those lines, before hugging me really close for the photo. He squeezed my hand after the photo was done, and I walked away a little giddy because Jensen had just smiled at me twice and squeezed my hand and said my cosplay was awesome and oh my god how do I life.

I got my photo back and it turned out great! I look ever so slightly overexcited but what do you expect?? Jensen Ackles just hugged me and complimented me?!?!!?

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I later tweeted this, saying “is this what it’s like to be Felicia Day?” and Felicia liked it. So I’m taking that as a yes.

It was my Ruthie photo next, and as this was a quieter photo op I decided to ask for my pose. Again, it wasn’t anything complicated and others were doing poses too. I went up to her and asked, kinda rambly, “Can we stand back to back like we hate each other?” but then I added “but I actually love you”. Because, well, I do. We did the pose, then afterwards she asked to see my eyes. A little confused, I let her take a good look, and then she asked “are those your eyes?” A little more confused, I answered yes, I assume she was asking that in case I was wearing coloured contacts or something? But she then said “oh, they’re amazing!”, it was so cute and flattering to hear that from her. The photo turned out great too!

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Then…it all went a bit crazy. We went upstairs to have a break – it was now the lunch break so nothing was happening at the con. Someone had brought an Impala to the Hilton, so went to go downstairs to see it. But we didn’t get that far, or I didn’t at least. We got in the lift, which Sophie had already said didn’t sound healthy. She’s not a big fan of lifts so we didn’t really think anything of it and reassured her it was fine. But…she was right to be concerned. The lift stopped at every single floor, and people only got in on one other floor. It was fine, until we got to the ground floor. And…the doors wouldn’t open. We pressed the button to open the doors, it made the beep sound like it was going to open…but never opened. I was starting to get really anxious but tried to keep calm to not freak anyone else out. It was getting really hot, what with there being at least seven people in the lift. We rang the alarm button but no one answered. Rang it again, still no answer. I was getting really shaky, to the point I was scared I was going to faint. Someone pressed the button to go up to the first floor, which thankfully it did and the door opened. Me and Sophie got out the lift, there was no freaking way I was getting back in it. The shock and the relief of it all got a bit much and I just started crying, which was kind of embarrassing when I was trying to explain what happened to the Hilton staff that saw us but it all came out as incoherent sobbing. They wouldn’t let us go for a while, insisting we needed to report to a manager. But apparently the manager disappeared into thin air as they couldn’t find anyone. It was like five minutes until J2’s panel, there was no way I could miss that because of this. Luckily we persuaded the Hilton staff to let us go (they told us to report it to reception, which we tried, but they said it’d be another five minutes to find someone, so we gave up), and we went to the panel.

After being so terrified in that lift all I wanted was a Padahug or something to make me feel better. Before the panel started I actually asked Ellie if we could go stand outside the hall a bit. It was hot and crowded in there and I needed some time out after being stuck in a hot, crowded lift. I was also a little hopeful that maybe Jared would walk past, not so I could hug him or anything, just so I could see him, maybe get a wave from him, I don’t know. I was messed up, okay? Of course, the boys were mostly (and understandably) taken around the hotel through back of house so we didn’t see them, but it was nice to get the time out from the hall. We got back in just in time for Jared and Jensen to come onstage.

And I started crying again.

After everything just seeing Jared onstage was so overwhelming and I lost it. I was just so happy to see him and to see him properly, not very briefly onstage like that morning. It was a fun and lighthearted panel, we discovered Jared and Jensen went to Asda (dammit, yet another mundane object to remind me of Jared), they did silly accents and talked about all sorts of things about the show. For a summary of the panel (again, not written by me!) go here.

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Right at the end of the J2 panel…my group was called for their double photo. Ellie and I bolted from the room, and happened to see Jared and Jensen leave the panel room before disappearing through back of house to get to the photo room, and got in the room to queue up. I was fine until we were queueing. Then it slowly got more and more real. I’d made AKF superhero capes for J2, as well as one for myself, so we could wear them in the photo. Obviously I was aware of the “no props, no poses” posters on the walls, but once again props and poses were being allowed. People were even hugging J2 after their photos. People were taking their sweet time and the longer wait was just making me worse. I was still shaken from the lift, and from other things, not to mention I was generally terrified at seeing Jared again.

I get to the front of the queue and…my capes are taken off me. Obviously I wasn’t going to argue, it says on the walls that props weren’t allowed. But it did kind of annoy me that people had been allowed to do poses, use props, AND hug J2 after their photos until just before me. I’m all for following the rules but I’m also for enforcing them. I get they had a lot of people to get through but I wish they’d enforced the no props, no poses from the start, so it was fair to everyone. I at least wish they’d taken the capes off me earlier, as having them taken from me just moments before I had to get my photo done ended up cranking my anxiety up even more. I already knew I was going to get a sandwich hug with them if I wasn’t allowed to do the props and I was fine with that…who would honestly complain at a J2 sandwich hug? And god knows I needed it.

So I was a bit of a state walking into the J2 op. I went straight to Jared, again, just like last year I didn’t even say hello to Jensen. But like I said, I was a mess. I just kinda needed Jared. I walked up to Jared, who was talking to Jensen, I felt extra tiny because they’re so tall. I looked up at him and just very quietly said “hey.” Jared looked down at me, smiled, and said hey. And then his face kind of lit up, he smiled at me again and said “oh, hey!”. Before I knew it he was looking my cosplay, my LARP Charlie cosplay, up and down, did a little grin and said “still love it” before giving me the biggest hug he’s ever given me. You can see in the picture I have some very attractive forehead veins, visible because he squeezed me so tight. If anyone else hugged me so hard I’d be very uncomfortable and get the hell away from them. But it was Jared, he’d just recognised me, and I’m pretty sure he knew I wasn’t feeling too good. He’s a big lovable moose who forgets his own strength, and while I could barely breathe, that hug was exactly what I needed.

For context, Jared told me he loved my outfit after my photo op with him last year, so for him to say “still love it” meant he not only remembered me…but he remembered what he said to me. See my Jared experience from last year here.

I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so shocked I forgot my photo was being taken, so you can see I’m half smiling with teeth and generally look a little bewildered. Jensen of course joined the hug as well and after the photo he said “thanks, sweetheart.”, but other than that I don’t really remember what happened. I was just so completely shocked that Jared Padalecki had just remembered me. I’d been told by someone who took part in my AKF book last year that he remembered me at PasCon, back in November, which of course completely baffled and delighted me but I didn’t want to keep my hopes up. I mean, PasCon was six months ago itself, and A14 a whole year ago, there was a chance he’d forgotten since. But wow, he has a good memory. It just goes to show how wonderful he is that he remembered someone like me. Yeah, I gave him the AKF book last year, but I wasn’t that memorable. I thanked him for his help, told him I was still fighting thanks to him, but so many people say that. I’m honestly just so, so grateful that he decided I was worthy enough to be memorable. I mean, what even??

I was given my capes back after the photo was done and promptly tripped on one of the wires in front of everyone. Hopefully J2 were too busy getting their photo with Ellie to notice. Luckily I didn’t trip so hard I unplugged something important…dear god can you imagine?

I was okay, getting a bit wobbly because stewards were asking me if I was okay from tripping. But then Ellie came out of her photo and…well…I completely lost it. I went from being a shaking, terrified thing, to full on sobbing within about a second. Stewards rushed over and asked if I was okay, but were relieved to know it was nothing bad. Really thankful that they checked on me though, that was really nice of them. Typically my photo took forever to print. The instant printing is great, I’m not saying it isn’t, but for whatever reason Ellie got her photo almost instantly while I had to wait about eight more photos before mine finally printed. I was a complete and utter wreck, in honesty I just wanted to go and hug Jared again but obviously that would be frowned upon given the ginormous queue waiting for him and Jensen 😛

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I found my friends outside and broke down crying all over again, making some of them cry in the process. I ended up snotting everywhere, being the glamourous thing I am, but I was emotional over Jared so I think it was justified. I was just in complete disbelief. I felt kinda sensitive for a bit after that, anything could have set me off and in fact just sitting there with my photo in my hand was setting me off again.

I don’t really remember what happened between then and the J2 autos but there was around a 2-3 hour gap I think. But anyway, they started up Jensen and Jared’s second autograph session of the day. They’d started from M and called up to Z, and so I was on standby in case they called Group B. They didn’t, however when we went to ask, they just let us in the queue.

I went to Jensen’s queue first at Dean’s request, as kind of moral support for him seeing Jensen again. This was all fine until I noticed how quickly Jared’s queue was going and how short it was becoming, so I quickly hopped over to Jared’s queue so I didn’t miss out. I had two autographs with him, and I kind of wanted to get one right then, and save the second for Sunday as the Sunday auto session was right at the end of the day, I thought it’d be nice to get the chance to say goodbye. I’m really glad I saved my second auto until Sunday, and you’ll see why when I write up my report on Sunday.

So I went to Jared first, and I was trying to remember what I wanted to say to him. I had printed a screenshot of Jared’s reply to me on Facebook, because I wanted to tell him how much it meant and how it really helped me. I was a little worried about whether it’d be too heavy, but to be honest, my facebook comment was reasonably positive. I stated that while I’d been told I had depression, I was going to fight it and it was thanks to Jared&AKF that I got help. Jared started reading it and said “oh yes!”, so I think he remembered the reply too! Jeez, that moose has a good memory. I was really nervous, so everything I said came out really slowly and I kept pausing in awkward places. But he listened to every word, no one told me to hurry up. I felt really self-conscious, like everyone was watching me, but I kept going. I said something along the lines of:

“That…you said that…when I really needed it and…and it helped me get the courage to…to achieve one of my…dreams. To work at Disneyworld. So…so I’m working in Disneyworld over summer.”

Cue Jared looking really impressed and excited, he looked so happy for me and said something like “wow” or “no way”, I can’t really remember. Then he started signing. Or, I thought he started signing. Instead he wrote “so proud!”, then his signature. Considering personalisations are a big big no no when it comes to the Js due to time, I feel pretty damn lucky. I was going to ask him in my second auto to write AKF, but I was going to ask him to write it instead of his autograph so I didn’t feel so cheeky or like I was trying to get something extra. I then almost forgot to give him the LYF book I put together – essentially a book with short messages saying why we love him, to help remind him to love himself first, but he looked so impressed and grateful and flicked through it just like he did with the book last year. I really struggled to explain the purpose of the book, I ended up just saying “motivational quotes…uplifting messages….why we love you.” But he got what I meant. This year’s book was considerably smaller (75 messages as opposed to 200+) but he was still so grateful. I told him it managed to raise $300 for TWLOHA and he looked so impressed, then he went to high five me. Now…last year, when Jared high fived me, he held onto my hand for a bit after. So me being a bit presumptious thought he was doing the same this time so I was all prepared to hold his hand for a moment…and he didn’t. Awkward. I don’t think he would have noticed besides me keeping my hand on his for a bit longer than one normally would, though. I hope. He also wrote “AKF!”, then thanked me again and congratulated me on Disney which I thought was really sweet.

 

I then joined the Jensen queue and was talking to a girl that I’d got talking to in the Jared queue. She was really sweet, once again I didn’t get her name –facepalm-, and she was just very overwhelmed by meeting the Js. So much so that she cried after her Jensen auto. Jensen was totally sweet with her and was saying “hey, why are you crying?” in such a gentle voice and was reassuring her, it was so cute. Then it was my turn.

And he said nothing.

Not even hello.

He just started signing my drawing without a word.

He didn’t even look up.

I was slightly bewildered.

After Jared’s enthusiasm, and me talking to Jared a lot, it came as a bit of a shock even though I knew Jensen isn’t quite as openly talkative as Jared (and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing in any way, as I’d probably be the same). Without meaning to sound arrogant, I usually got at least a comment on my drawings I got signed, so even that was a bit of a shock. But that aside, I talked to him, as I told him I had something for him and gave him the LYF book. I got my words messed up but I explained the book to him much better than I did to Jared, thankfully. He looked really touched and very sincerely thanked me for it, as well as looking a bit impressed about raising $300 which even I’m still shocked about!

 

I left the room really happy that I’d managed to tell Jared everything I’d wanted to tell him, or most of it anyway. There had been a couple other things but to be honest, I’d have ended up taking too long if I’d said everything. I planned on saying them on Sunday but you’ll have to wait until the Sunday runthrough to see if I did or not.

After that me and Ellie went to Nandos for dinner at Resorts World, just across the lake from the Hilton. It was really nice to just get away from the Hilton for a bit really and have a meal, considering I pretty much hadn’t eaten all day.

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I was meant to go to Jason Manns that evening, I had a ticket, but I ended up giving it to my friend, who had missed out and was really upset about missing out. As I had a ticket to see him on Monday in London, I decided I didn’t really need to see him twice when there were people who weren’t even going to see him once. She was really grateful and I was glad to see her so happy to be going as she’d been really upset the day before.

We went to the party and danced so much my wig was falling off. Lesson learned – Don’t go to a party in a Rapunzel wig. It’s a reasonably light wig compared to other Rapunzel braids, but its still quite heavy and it was slipping back all night, as well as coming detached from my dress (I’ll let you in on a secret, part of the braid had a snap fastener in it, that attached to a snap fastener on my bodice… gasp!). It was a fun night but as always, bittersweet. Saturday night always makes me sad because I know once the party is done, there’s only one day left and then its all over way too quickly. But for me, so many amazing things were to come on Sunday. I still had 2 Jared photos (1 Jared&Adrianne double and 2 singles) and his autograph, as well as Adrianne photo&auto, Hillywood photo and Matt&Rich photo, not to mention the free autographs which I wasn’t sure I’d even get. How did it all go? Well, you’ll have to wait until I write up my Sunday experience…

I hope you enjoyed this post, and the vlogs, and I hope you’ll tune in for my final vlog and blog post about my Asylum 16 experience!

Until next time,

Mini Moose ❤

Asylum 16 – Friday Round up

Hey friends!

Here is my round up of Friday at Asylum 16.

Check out the vlog here:

We got up bright and early at the Travelodge ready to head over to the Hilton, before going to the Vox in Resorts World to register. This was new for all of us so we weren’t totally sure what to expect. I got into my Lucifer!Sam cosplay, and we all got in taxis to head over to the Hilton, me and Whitlyham with our suitcases to leave with the concierge as we were staying there for the rest of the weekend. I finally saw Ellie, who I met at MCM last year in the Felicia queue, and saw at A15, and we all went over to Resorts World.

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It was packed.

We joined a queue, not knowing what it was for or anything. I was Group B so my call time was from 10.15, and someone told me they’d just called my group. With no idea what I was doing and a tiny bit anxious, Ellie went with me to ask where my group had to queue. At long last I was in the queue, and it was time to register. I was really nervous as last year at A14, they misplaced my registration pack. They’d put it with the access pass holders by mistake and it meant I wasn’t able to register until Friday, but it was all sorted. But all was fine this time, they found my pack without an issue and I had to join yet another queue, this time to pick up my preorders. This was when I was told Jared’s coffee lounge was extremely close to selling out. I accepted my fate because obviously by that point I wouldn’t have got one anyway, I’d just have to try again tomorrow. It was kinda annoying though, considering last year one of the lounges were sold and the other was raffled, so it was fairer. This year you only had a chance if you were an upgrade to get Saturday’s, and if you queued from about 6.30am for Sundays. Of course, not getting a Jared lounge didn’t ruin my weekend, my con was pretty much perfect without it, but it would have been nice to at least have had a chance, really.

The preorder queue took quite a long time so I was surprised that when I got to the front of the queue, I simply said my ticket number and received my envelope of tickets almost instantly. Anyways, I joined the queue to buy photo ops, which was where I stayed for at least three hours. This wasn’t really unusual, I waited about three hours to get my photo ops at A14 and at least this time I had food and drink to keep me going. Thank god for the free wifi, though, as I had absolutely no signal and it would have been unbearable, pretty much. It wasn’t too bad, I talked to the people in front and behind me, we all got anxious when they went to add something to the “sold out” list, all simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief when it was something we didn’t want. I didn’t actually get any of their names, but I’m terrible for doing that.

I finally got to the front of the queue and put a nice big dent in my wallet. I even splashed out on a second Jared auto and photo, as I’d just been told they were unlimited so I thought why not. Really hope everyone who wanted a Jared photo got one.

Once I was done buying my photos, me, Whitlyham and Sophie went to subway in the NEC. I’d planned on going to Nandos with Ellie, but she was still in the queue and was looking to be in that queue for at least another hour or two, and I really couldn’t wait much longer to eat. We went back to the Hilton where we all just kinda chilled out for a bit, queueing had wiped us out completely so we didn’t feel like doing much. Last year I’d queued for three hours and got all my free autos bar about three on the Friday, which was really helpful as I probably wouldn’t have managed to get them over the weekend. This year, I was beat by the queues. I could have tried to get my autographs, but I just didn’t have it in me. I had a bit of a low patch and just needed to relax for a bit.

Later we got ready for the party, me in my Codex cosplay, and ordered pizza for dinner before karaoke…only we didn’t go to karaoke. It was announced that karaoke would start at 10 instead of the original time of 8.30, which we thought was great because it’d give us more time to get ready and eat before it started. But then a couple minutes later, there was another tweet. Karaoke was full! The room reached capacity so they couldn’t let anyone else in. Obviously rules are rules and they have to adhere to them, but it was a little annoying that they hadn’t said karaoke was limited in the first place. To be honest, I wasn’t too upset. The karaoke at A13 was amazing (even if they didn’t have my song, so I didn’t get to sing!), and I’ll be able to go to karaoke at VanCon so it’s all good.

Instead, we sat in the bar and played Supernatural Cards Against Humanity for a few hours before going to bed, ready for the next day. By about midnight I started to flag and get anxious again – it was officially J2 day one!

Round up of Saturday soon – the vlog for Saturday is going to be in two parts!

Until next time,

Mini Moose ❤

Asylum 16 – Thursday

Hey friends,

So if you follow me on Twitter or have me on Facebook, you’ll know that I went to Asylum 16 this weekend. For the first time I’ve decided to do a detailed round-up of the convention, day-by-day. This is partly for myself, so I can remember it as best as possible, but also partly so people can see my experience, whether they went to the con, or perhaps they are due to go to their first con soon and want an idea of what cons can be like. I’ll be posting these in conjunction with my vlogs from the weekend, but these inevitably have gaps, so these posts I’m aiming to fill in those gaps.

I’m currently taking a sort of break from social media because since the con everything’s been getting a bit too much. I say sort of because I never fully stay away. Although nearly always after cons I get overwhelmed by the social interaction and the amount of people I meet and talk to, once I’m back at uni about 90% of the people I talk to are online. If I completely leave social media then I’m pretty much on my own. So I just sort of lurk. Get less involved in conversations etc bt check in on what’s going on, occasionally sharing some stuff. So if you see me saying I’m taking a break but then see me liking something or posting something…that’s why.

View my Thursday vlog here:

The Tuesday before the convention I came home from university, pretty much to break up the journey as it usually takes three hours by train. Going home meant I could do two hours Tuesday, then only one hour up to the convention on Thursday.

I arrived at the Hilton at about 11.40 and was greeted by Gracie, her friend Jess and Becky. I remember waiting at the lift on the platform for ages with a rather large crowd behind me, only to realise I actually hadn’t pressed the button to call the lift…well done me. Its really nice to be met at the station, certainly nicer than just showing up to no one there. It kicks off the con in a welcoming way. After lots of hugs we waited for Sam (who is hence known as Whitlyham), sat on the NEC roundabout for a bit before we all headed over to the Travelodge where me and Whitlyham were staying for the night and everyone else was staying for the weekend. We left our stuff and headed back to the station to meet Dean, Sophie and the other Sam (hence known as Sandall) when they arrived.

After more hugs and hellos us Travelodge people went back to eat and to get properly into our cosplays. I was mostly in my Jared one already but Gracie did my stubble make up for me which turned out so well, she’s truly an artist when it comes to beards. 10/10 would recommend.

It was finally time to head over to the Hilton! Unfortunately there was no early registration this time but we went over there just to hang out and to relax before the madness of the con the next day. We walked around and spent some time at the bar playing Supernatural cards against humanity. Eventually us Travelodge lot went back to get some sleep, ready for the madness that was registration the next day.

As you can see there wasn’t that much to write for Thursday as it was mostly just travelling, seeing everyone again and things like that. Expect the following days to be much longer and interesting! I thought I hadn’t vlogged very well at this convention, but seeing as I have just over two hours worth of footage suggests otherwise! 47 minutes of said footage is just from Saturday! The videos will be trimmed down (a lot will be awkward camera angles or moments when I simply forgot the camera was even recording), possibly will be split into two parts if needed. Lots of things to talk about!

Until next time,

Mini Moose ❤

Asylum 16 – J2 photo op experience!

Hey friends!

So, its almost 3am on the sunday of Asylum 16. I’m on the floor of my hotel room hoping I won’t wake my roomie. I’ve already sat on the floor opposite the lifts to vlog about my day as I hadn’t really had a chance to, so as not to wake her, at 1am. About four people walked past and were completely oblivious to the slightly scruffy and disheveled Rapunzel sat on the floor with no shoes on, until a nice hilton staff member asked, slightly concerned, if I had a room to go to. I think my explanation of “yeah, I’m just making a video out here because my roomie’s asleep” didn’t clear up the situation much but he left me to it.

So anyway. I’m going to start my posts about Asylum 16 with a post about my third photo op of the con – Jared and Jensen’s double photo. What I’ll do is post about each experience individually and later make a roundup post of the entire con, including things that happened between photo ops/autographs.

I was completely and utterly terrified for my J2 op and I was shaking for almost the entire queue. I’d had a J2 op before – hugged Jared, accidentally said nothing to Jensen, Jared liked my shirt and I kinda sassed him about it. Good times. But this one I had made AKF superhero capes for myself and J2 to wear for the op. And I was so scared about asking for it, about how it’d turn out etc.

Earlier that day I’d had both my Jensen photo and Ruthie photo (posts to come), and had seen the “no props” and “no poses” signs. That’s completely fair enough – but people were doing props and poses. This was the case for J2 so I carried them throughout the queue. It wasn’t until I was pretty much at the front of the photo queue that they cracked down on it. I had to give the capes to the steward/staff to put aside while I had my op. This was fine – I’d prepared myself for it and, y’know, another J2 sandwich is never a bad thing – but I couldn’t help but be a little sad considering that they hadn’t been strict on poses at all before then – people were talking to the guys before/after the op, hugging them after their op has been taken etc. I’d have rather been told I couldn’t do capes a little further in advance than just a few people before my turn, but what can you do. As I said, I’m fine with following the rules, no problem, and I understood hy they did it.

So I had no time to prepare myself for a J2 sandwich. I stepped into the photo they were either talking to each other or watching the person before me go, either one, because I was standing right between the both of them before they noticed me! I was terrified and just kinda went to Jared and said hey, and the lovely moose smiled at me and said hey before saying “oh, hey!”, looking my cosplay up and down, doing a little grin and saying “still love it.” – For context, last year in my photo with him, after the photo was done he said he loved my outfit. For him to even remember that was so amazing! So I was completely shocked, not to mention the fact that both he and Jensen pulled me into the biggest squishiest hug – even tighter than my Jared op last year. I can’t really remember what happened after that except Jensen saying “thanks sweetheart”.

I was given my capes back after the photo, and I got so distracted that clever me tripped on a wire in front of the entire queue. I was fine, bit embarrassed, but then my friend Ellie just had her photo and as soon as I said Jared had remembered me I just completely broke down crying. The stewards, bless them, were so worried and kept asking that I was okay. Typically my photo took a while to print as well when I just kinda needed to leave the room completely and calm the hell down, but once I got out I saw my friends and, well, started crying all over again. I actually ended up making a few of them cry too.

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I don’t look my best but I was just so terrified & happy at that moment. I’m so grateful that they were so lovely and honestly I’m totally okay that I didn’t get to do the cape pose, there’ll be another chance to do it I’m sure. The queue was moving very slowly to begin with because there were more complex poses, and because people were insisting on hugging the guys after their photo was taken, so it was understandable that they had to say no. I’m just glad I didn’t cry when I was told no, to be honest, as I was so shaken and anxious that even though I was fine with it, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d burst into tears right then regardless.

I still can’t believe this happened, that Jared remembered me and exactly what he said to me last year! I’m so damn grateful, so excited to see him again today for the final day of the con! Trying not to let myself be too sad that this con is almost over – It’s just over 100 days until I see Jared again at VanCon in August! It’ll be after that I’ll be really sad as I’ll have no idea when I’ll next see him again – I’m hoping to do Asylum 18 but there’s no way of knowing whether the Js will go, but I am also planning on the Creation Convention in Chicago next year.

More stories coming soon when I get a free moment!

Mini Moose ❤

Personal Stories at Supernatural Conventions.

Hey friends,

This post is inspired by a post I saw in a Facebook group for the US/Canada conventions run by Creation. They were saying how we should be considerate of the guests when it comes to unloading our struggles onto them, especially Jared considering the influx of stories he’s now being told thanks to AKF, due to the affect of it.

Imagine being told possibly hundreds of heavy personal stories one after the other? It would start to take it’s toll pretty fast. My mum often unloads her stresses and things on me, and that alone is pretty tough, particularly when I have my own things I’m dealing with, so I’d hate to think how it feels experiencing this on another scale.

The poster in this FB group said how she saw so many people crying and telling Jared their stories at the last convention she attended – and how while of course Jared was so supportive and gracious – she could see it was affecting him. And it worries me. I understand it can be overwhelming meeting your idol, because although I managed to stay composed, meeting Jared for the first (and second) time was completely surreal and incredible. I’m not saying don’t cry, because sometimes that’s easier said than done. I seem to have perfected the art of stopping myself crying, so I’ve never cried in front of Jared or anyone, but if I did, that’d be okay. It’s okay if you cry. What’s not so okay is telling Jared (or any guest) your story in detail. The problem is, firstly this can hold up the queue and could lead to others being rushed through, meaning they might not be able to have the chance to say anything to the guest. Secondly, as I said, it can affect them, and especially if many people are telling similar stories, it can get really heavy.

We don’t know what these guys and girls have been through, what could affect them. We also don’t know how many stories they have been told before you’ve had your turn. At Creation conventions, what I can see, J2 do their autographs at the end of the day and can go quite late on Sunday. They’ve been through an entire day of photos and panels and meet and greets, etc, which is tiring stuff. To go to autographs after that and be potentially bombarded with stories must be pretty overwhelming.

What we need to remember is that these conventions aren’t just for us. The guests are there to have fun and enjoy themselves just as much as you are. Not only this, but they don’t have to be there – they could be home with their families. They’re giving up their time to see us! So we should be helping them have a good time. If they have a good time, so will we!

I understand the desire to tell our stories to the guests, I do. I’ve met Jared twice now and wanted to tell him my story. When I first met him, I was so nervous I pretty much said nothing to him besides hello and thank you. The second time, I babbled a thank you then gave him the AKF book I made (which did contain my story). But looking back I’m glad I didn’t tell him. Firstly, he doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of my life, or know what I’ve been through. All he needs to know is yeah, things have been crappy, but I’m still here, I’m still fighting, and he’s helped me to do that. I also want to tell him that I’m going to be working in Disneyworld over summer as part of a college program, something I never imagined I’d be able to do and has pretty much been a dream – thanks to him and AKF I got the courage to apply, and the motivation to do my best in the interviews. I want to show him what I’ve achieved thanks to him, not the stuff I’ve been through that he’s saved me from. I don’t want to add to the pressure he already puts on himself.

Please, please, be considerate of the guests. If you really want them to know your story, write it down. Write a letter, write a facebook post, give them your story in a way that they can read it when they feel comfortable doing so. At the autograph table, or photo op room, or panel, although in my opinion, the latter two aren’t places to be telling these stories especially, they have no choice but to listen to what the person has to say. Of course, if a story were to become too much, they could ask the person to stop, but this cast are so lovely and kind that I highly, highly doubt they would do this unless they really, really had to. Giving them a letter or posting to Facebook means they have the option to stop if they are getting overwhelmed, and come back when they are ready. I get this takes away from the whole “reaction” or “response” part of telling the guest your story face to face, but in honesty, we need to consider the guests and their feelings.

You may not consider your story to be too severe, and so you might think that it wouldn’t make much difference, but imagine how many people could be thinking and doing the exact same. It all adds up.

I’m not writing this post as a dig to anyone, but I worry so much about Jared especially getting overwhelmed by our stories, I get worried that we’ll have more reports of him having the leave the autograph table from being so overwhelmed, I even get worried that Jared will take another break from cons because he needs a break from the stories etc. We need to remember that the cast are human too, and that they’re not our therapists. We might think it’s no big deal to unload onto our idol, but they’re not professionals in that field, and so many others could be doing the same. I want the guys to keep enjoying cons and to do that, we need to help lift the mood and remind them how loved they are. Keep your stories/whatever you want to talk about more positive.

Let’s not forget, that Creation have now put no personal stories as a rule. Please, don’t think you’re above that rule. Think of the guests. Make them smile, help them have an amazing time at cons. 🙂

I hope this made any sense at all.

Mini Moose ❤

*SUPERNATURAL 11X18 SPOILERS* Disliking an episode of your favourite show sucks

Hey friends,

So, I don’t often do episode-related posts straight after the episode has aired. In fact, I hadn’t planned on doing episode reviews or anything of the sort for now anyway. But this episode that has just aired, episode 18 of Season 11, is probably my least favourite of the season, and is probably a contender for being one of my least favourite overall. I’ll explain all this under the cut – but be warned, I have no idea how “agreeable” my views on this episode will be. Considering the number of RTs etc my live tweets got during the ep, I guess maybe a little, but I know there’ll also be a fair few who disagree. So, let’s all be nice, let me say my piece without any fighting. Thanks in advance.

Continue reading

Why I’ll never call myself “[insert name]’s biggest fan”

Hey friends!

So, here’s another blog post. Things have been a bit crazy, with more preparations for Disney coming up and whatnot, and mildly stressful as there was a problem with some of my documents which have thankfully now been rectified. I’ll try and post more when I have more inspiration for posts. This post may be controversial, I have no idea. It’s not aiming to dig at anyone, it’s just kind of a “get it off my chest” ramble. Feel free to disagree, just, be nice.

This post came about because its just something I see quite a bit. People claiming to be someone’s biggest or #1 fan, really emphasising how great a fan they are. Don’t get me wrong here, the dedication people have to their idols is great and I’ll never deny that. But however much I love Jared Padalecki or Felicia Day to name a few, I will never, ever say I am their biggest fan.

Why? Because firstly, I honestly don’t think highly enough of myself to deem myself worthy of the title. Yeah, I gave a book to Jared, he hugged me real tight and told me to keep fighting. Yeah, Felicia loves my cosplay and I managed to actually thank her for her help and she favourites my tweets on occasion. But Jared gives bear hugs to so many people at every con, he’s had dozens of books and he’s literally told everyone to keep fighting. And Felicia, well, she really appreciates cosplay as a whole, many people particularly after her book release have told her how she’s helped them, and she favourites A LOT of tweets (seriously, look at the number of likes she has). I don’t particularly stand out. I’m a fan, I’m a dedicated fan, they keep me fighting and I love them so, so much for everything they do. But in no way do I consider myself the biggest or best.

Why should there be a “biggest” fan? Why should there be a hierarchy when it comes to fandom? I’m flattered when people say I’m Jared’s biggest fan or say I’m a bigger fan of Felicia than them, it’s nice to see that people think that way about me and think I love them that much. But I don’t know, seeing others name themselves as “the biggest fan” just kind of…irks me. It comes across, or it does to me at least, like they deem themselves as more worthy of love from their idol, or just that they are more dedicated than anyone else. Seeing people say that about Jared, for example, just heightens my insecurities about myself and I almost put pressure on myself to “be a better fan” because I make myself feel inadequate. But in honesty, I’m as good a fan as I can be, just seeing others seemingly deem themselves higher can make me struggle a bit.

So, bottom line, whether you talk non-stop about your idol all day, plaster your walls in their face, or have an idol who has helped you get through a tough time, and on occasion you tweet them some support – or something in between or entirely different – you’re all great fans. I don’t think there’s a need to have “biggest” fans, especially if by considering yourself this way, you believe you are then entitled to more love from your idol. This isn’t too common in my experience, to be honest, but I’ve seen it out there. We’re all fans, we all love the people we love and it shouldn’t be a contest of “who loves who” – lets all just show our support and connect with others who love the same people we do?

Sorry if this offends anyone, I didn’t intend it to be. The self-doubt has been rearing its ugly head and I’ve constantly been comparing myself to others, be it people’s experiences meeting Jared/Felicia etc against mine or generally me as a fan vs. others as fans. I just needed to express what I feel, really.

Until next time,

Mini Moose ❤

 

Getting back to this blog.

Hey friends!

So, uh, long time no see. Really really long time no see. This wasn’t intentional, a series of things all happened and hence I just stopped writing. In honesty, pressuring myself to write a post a day meant some posts were kind of forced.

I remember when I stopped writing. I’d just seen Deadpool (and the lovely ticket machines decided to decline BOTH my cards despite there being no issue with them…thanks), and I was going to write a post about it for Film Friday. Friday came and went, it was a busy day, so instead I was going to write it Saturday on the way to London as I was going there for the day.

And then I got sick. The Friday night my throat felt kind of irritated, but I thought nothing of it. I’d just had some ice cream, which can make my throat feel that way sometimes. But then the next morning I just felt awful. Without trying to jinx it, I don’t get ill very often, the worst probably being scarlet fever when I was about eight (I was hearing voices and hallucinating, it got that bad), and I kinda take that for granted. So I was feeling very sorry for myself on Saturday when I felt like the personification of death. I’d like to thank my housemate for kindly sharing it with me, as she’d caught it earlier that week. Sharing is caring, so they say.

Being ill kind of threw me off completely. Saturday was spent taking paracetamol and going between sleeping and miserable consciousness. I got better pretty quick but it messed up my appetite and my willingness to go out, my willingness to do anything, really. I don’t think I ate properly for a while after that.

Not only did that get me out of the routine to update this blog, but my mental health hasn’t been great. My self esteem took another nose dive and I haven’t felt worthy of, well, anything. I keep doubting myself. I just lost motivation to put myself out there, really. I’m trying, especially with the Love Yourself First campaign. It’s almost a comfort to see that Jared too gets anxious about putting himself out there, even though I hate that he feels that way. It’s okay to be nervous, you just have to do it.

To help matters…my laptop broke. I got home for reading week and my trusty Baby, named Impala, decided she wasn’t going to charge unless the charger was in completely the right position. My phone, Sam Winchester (yes I name all my devices), does the same as one fall too many meant that the charging port has been knocked askew. Sam’s fine once you put the charger in the right position, and he has been since October (though soon I’ll be getting  Sam Winchester II as my contract is running out…), so I assumed Impala would be the same.

Of course not.

As soon as I got back to uni for one final week of term before the Easter break, I put Impala on charge. All fine. Until a few hours later she wasn’t charging. And no matter what I did, she wouldn’t charge. Wonderful. Luckily I didn’t have any essays etc coming up in the near future, my main worry was that I’d have problems sending my Asylum 16 preorder email. But all was good, my tablet, Dean (yup), did me proud and I got all I asked for!

So, here I am attempting to start updating this blog again. I’ve decided there’ll be no “set” theme days, and there isn’t going to be a schedule. If I want to write something, I’ll write it. I’ll still try and keep it regular, maybe at least one a week? But there’ll be no set posting days.

Thanks for all the support for this blog so far, hope you’ll stick with me for future postings!

Until then,

Mini Moose ❤